How Charlie Kelly Died
by dirtgrub
Summary: Today, we mourn the death of Charlie Kelly. Written by me and my pet gerbil.
1. Chapter 1

Philadelphia, PA

3:30 A.M.

CHARLIE'S POV :

I stare into the eyes of my gorgeous princess. She smells good. Kind of like dog piss, but mixed with a slight flowery scent. She's wearing an expensive dress. I don't know why or how, but I have a vague remembrance of buying it for her, except I bought it from this little old midget man, and he didn't ask for money, only seashells. I'm not sure why. I read once on , the dream analysis website, that seashells represent security and protection. Maybe that means I'll be secured and protected, or maybe it means I am secured and protected. Or maybe, it means that I was secured and protected, but now I'm not because I gave the seashells away...I'm not sure. But that doesn't matter, because only she matters.

I offer to buy her some perfume because of the dog piss smell, but then I say, "You know what, babe? It doesn't matter, 'cause you're still beautiful and you smell beautiful."

She laughs.

"I love you, Charlie," she tells me, leaning in and kissing me.

There's a light shining down upon us from heaven above, and I hear a man's voice speaking to us, telling us to get married.

"Will you marry me?" I ask.

She smiles.

"Of course," she says.

So we kiss and I find a blade of grass and craft it into a beautiful ring for her. I heard that grass represents fertility on . I do not know what that word means, but it sounds like a good thing. I like grass. It's pretty and it kind of smells good. Well, sometimes it smells good. Sometimes it smells like dirt, and that's really gross.

We kiss again, and then I put the ring on her finger, and I guess that means we're married now. I've never been married before, but it seems kind of fun. It makes me think of Disney princesses, but mostly Snow White, which makes me think of cocaine but that is not important.

I used to do cocaine, I also tried to sell it on the streets, but it's not because I'm a bad person or a drug addict. The first time I did cocaine, I thought it was a packet of sugar, but I was wrong.

I suddenly feel something in my hand, so I look down at it. It's a bottle of Elmer's Glue, but for some reason it has a cow on it, like that one brand of cheese. I shrug it off.

"Wanna huff some glue with me?" I ask her, smiling.

She laughs all romantically, "Oh, baaabbyyy, of course I do!"

So we huff glue together.

It's romantic.

There are doves in the sky, and the sun is setting behind us.

Philadelphia, PA

7:30 A.M.

CHARLIE'S POV:

Suddenly, I smelt something...wretched..It was a distinct smell, something I have grown to love overtime. It was very much like grilled socks. And take it from me personally, grilled socks taste and smell disgusting. Well, they don't really taste disgusting. Not that I've tried them, or anything.

I hear a faint noise, kind of like a child crying. It grows louder, louder, and louder...also it begins to smell worse.

I open my eyes, sitting up to find out what that ungodly smell stems from.

I let out a sigh of relief upon finding it was just Frank farting.

It was just a dream...The Waitress, the grass, the proposal, even the dog piss.

"How can I live with this...?" I quietly whisper to myself, staring down at my hand, like that one scene in that one anime...Genesis Evenglien, or whatever it was called.

"I cant keep doing this to myself", I thought. Every night, and every day, Its about the waitress.. Its always been about..her..

I look over to Frank. He's still sleeping, so I give him a light tap.

He rolls over, but he doesn't wake up, so I punch him up the ass (not like fisting, though. That would be weird. I'm not a weird person, just unique.)

He wakes up screaming.

"CHARLIE!" he yells.

I don't say anything.

"I had this weird dream-" he starts, but I don't care, and cut him off with a loud burp.

How could frank be so vain? So cold? So..smelly..?. I always listen to him, always, and instead, when I'm having the dream/time of my life, he awakens me with that disgusting gas that expells out of his butthole? I never thought I could be ever treated with such disrespect, but here I am..I guess..

Maybe I'm not here. Maybe this is actually a dream. I'm pretty sure it is this...this 'situation', that is actually a dream. I close my eyes and start tapping my feet together. It worked for that one girl in that one movie...about the witches and little people who sang a lot, so maybe it will work for me too.

"I...want to go home..." I start repeating over and over again under my breath, rapidly, for about 10 minutes until I give up because my feet are so sore.

"charlie what the shit are you talking about" said Frank.

"I wasn't talking to you," I snap back at his rude question. How could he be so...cruel to me? Waking me up from my dream. From the dream. The American dream...

"charlie, what's this about? did my fart get to you this time..? because look i told you we shouldnt have bought monkey from that asshole it was probably infested w/ diseases and its really affecting my colon please cut me some slack my old stomache cant take it"

"It's not you, Frank," I sigh, "it's not your farting either, I guess. It's just...me...and her. I was having this dream, anyway, ok?"

I begin to get sad, thinking about the waitress. And glue. And grass. Life is hard. Oh, yeah, and lets not forget that dog piss.


	2. Chapter 2

Philadelphia, PA

9:30 A.M.

CHARLIE'S POV:

I get out of bed, seperating my mortal being from franks old, huge ass.

"where the shit are you going charlie" Said Frank.

"I am going to find the woman of my dreams," my eyes began to tear up as I spoke. She was just so perfec-

"what the shit charlie? the waitress? i dont wanna crush your spirit or anything but shes a pretty basic piece of ass, take it from me"

"What do you know about women frank!? the waitress may not be much..but shes a pretty sweet deal.."

"I am your father, Charlie...u must listen to me...basic piece of smelly shit...wait actually i am not your father id o not believe i am your father nvm...brb btw...charlie" frank said to me as he left to go use the shitter.

I grabbed my shit, that reeked of dog piss, (probably what influenced that dream), and left the door for the bar, slamming it on frank and his gas problems.

On the way to the bar, I saw a little girl who was crying because she dropped her ice cream cone on the sidewalk.

"Whats wrong little girl?" I said as I cautiously approached her, you never know with children these days..bitch could be carrying a knife..

"My icecream..it's..ruined..." She replied, teary eyed.

I picked up the icecream and ate it whole. In 1 bite.

"UM, YOU FUCKING ASSFACED BITCH," she began to yell at me. I started to cry, I just felt so attacked.

"THAT'S MY FUCKING ICE CREAM..." she continued, pulling out a knife.

"Woah there," I put my hands above my head, not wanting to get killed by a 9 year old pig tailed psychopath.

"You better put that down child,,Im not afraid to use my Project-Badass skills on you.."

The waitress appeared.

"Charlie, what are you doing to my cousin!"

"I was uh," Shit. I can't believe I got caught by the waitress, and I can't believe this fucking sack of shit little girl is her cousin.

"I was just...teaching her...some new vocabulary, for her upcoming spelling test."

"I heard you, you creep!" She yelled at me.

"First of all, you're in violation of your restraining order. I'm calling the police."

In the heat of the moment, I barf up the ice cream cone.

I can't handle all this pressure, must of been the monkey frank cooked last night.

All this stress.

I cannot lose her again.

She is my life.

"You're disgusting Charlie", She said as she grabbed the little girls hand, and walked in the opposite direction.

"No wait!" I called after her, running towards her.

"Charlie, I have mace! Leave me the fuck alone!"

A low growl rose in my throat as I my turned head towards the source of the sounds.

I opened my mouth up and let out a furious hiss.

"No! It's the monkey penis I ate last night, come back!"

I can't believe I just said that.

Oh my god.

This monkey dick is doing weird things to me. I better check on Frank.

I show up at the apartment and the entire place is covered in cum. frank cannot stop ejaculating.

"IT IS NOT ME..." he says, breathing heavily, "IT IS JUST...THE MONKEY PENIS..."

Its all over the walls..the floor... the windows...to the window...to the wall..haha..because that infact, was how the cum looked. Tragic..yet somehow, beautiful..?

"Frank, control yourse-" suddenly I'm cut off by the cum spraying directly into my face.

"Jesus, frank! Why the fuck did you buy monkey!?" I Yelled.

"it was on sale"

"How much was it?"

"shit, it was 99 cents..." He replied, I was disgusted with anger.

"That is a lot of fucking money for monkey penis, Frank." I say, very annoyed at this point. Suddenly I feel my dick begin to get wet, and a huge blast of cum shoots out, ripping a hole in the crotch area of my pants.

"Frank, what is happening, what the shit is this!" I say. I have never felt this before. Not with someone else..at least.

My penis has never done this before. Is it crying? Did I do something? Was it something I said? Perhaps it was just the monkey penis. That fucking monkey penis..making my penis cry. I will not take it.

"this is so much fucking cum!" Frank yells, on the floor because his dick is crying so hard that he cannot stand up.

"I dont think it's crying charlie, it means-" he tried to say.

"Frank. We gotta cut them off!" I yelled.

Suddenly, everything went blank.

Philadelphia, PA

SOMETIME EARLY THE NEXT DAY

CHARLIE'S POV:

I woke up on the barstool, safe and sound at Paddys. Everything seemed fine, Dee was performing her usual duck routine, Dennis and Mac were having sex with the shady glory hole, though I dont think they realize its themselves, and Frank was gone, off having dumpster sex in the back of Wendys.

Was it strange though? I was all alone in the bar? Usually theres at least 1 homeless man jacking off in that booth over there.

For some reason, I feel unusually cold. I look down at my body, my erection isn't there, I guess its because I dont recall eating cat food or huffing paint.

Wait, the fuck did I do last night, then?

I attempt to get off the barstool, but instead I got a wiff of marijuana coming from the air ducks, It pointed me directly to the backoffice, where I saw the entrance to the vents opened. I crawled into it, and..Is that..? Underwear?

I investigated the underwear. It was chicks underwear..strange..

I picked it up and sniffed it.

It smelled...kind of like dog piss, but with a flowery scent.

I decide to investigate.

Holding my breath, I open the door to the bad room.

I drop my jaw at what I see.

It's...the woman...my woman, the Waitress, on my air mattress.

Holy fuck.

"Did we...?"

I can't even finish the question, I'm so excited.

Perhaps she kissed me.

Suddenly, I fall through the floor, down to the bar, and land on my ass.

There Is a giant hole in the ceiling. I Look up at her..Shes glowing, shes so beautiful.

"WHAT THE FUCK CHARLIE" She yells at me.

"HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PSYCHOPATH. DID YOU TRAP ME UP HERE? WHERES MY PHONE IM CALLING THE COPS" Shes screeching.

"No! no, no..no.." I say as I try to calm her down.

"I dont know how you got up there, I woke up in the bar and went up there to clean up the marijuana smell! You have to believe me!" I say, desperately.

"I don't know..who to believe anymore..." she says, biting her lip like in one of those shitty Marvel action movies.

"You can always believe me, baby," I tell her reassuringly, until suddenly I realize I pissed my pants when I hit the floor.

I also think my nose is bleeding.

Shit.

"Do you think we...did it...?" she asks me, looking on the verge of tears.

"No. I don't do sex. I do bowling, If you know what I mean ;)"

"No, I dont Charlie."

"Alright, Im gonna take a piss." I say as I leave into the glory holl filled restroom.

"YOU CANT LEAVE ME UP HER-" I cut her off as I slam the door.

As I unzip my pants, somethings not right...It feels empty, I look down..and-

It's gone!


	3. Chapter 3

Philadelphia, PA

12:30 A.M.

WAITRESS POV:

It smells. It smells like dog piss. Does charlie live in this filth? I wouldn't be surprised - he's such a disgusting person...appearance wise and, according to this gibberish about monkey penis on the walls, inside as well.

Where the fuck am I, anyway? I begin to wonder, looking around the room. It looks like some sort of room for Satanic rituals or something, with all this "Devil Inside" bullshit on the walls.

Suddenly, I hear screaming coming from below. Is that Charlie?

"ITS GONE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" I hear, repeatedly.

I look down, and I see a glimpse of him running around the bar in circles - and.. holy shit- is he naked? I jump through the hole in the floor out of impulse, and because I'm curious.

I use my beautiful grace, and swiftly land on a barstool. Smooth, cause lady..this bitch is back.

Theres blood, everywhere..I hear wimpering coming from the back office. As I cautiously approach the door, terrified, because you never know what bitch could have a knife on them, I turn the knob.

The crying is loud, theres blood everywhere. From the window, to the wall..haha..Its, everywhere.. Behind the desk I hear something..someone..a wimper so cruel and devastating.. I almost ran out right then..

I start to smell it, the wretched smell, a smell I'm not unfamiliar with, infact. Its dog piss.

Slowly, I go around the desk, and look underneath.. I see Charlie, facing the corner in tears..naked.

I greet him in a low voice, and suddenly he turns around to face me, looking mortified himself. Where his dick used to be (or I'm assuming so, anyway), there is now a bleeding wound. It looks like a hot dog, you know, after you dice one for salad, or chili toppings ( personal preference). It's just a bleeding, half cut pole.

I scream, he screams. He cries. I cry. His entire world is ending, as well as mine, because I am looking at my worst nightmare. Not a dickless man, no, the fact that I am hugging him in attempt to comfort. Disgusting.

I feel like a Serbian Film has suddenly become my reality.


	4. Chapter 4

Philadelphia, PA

1:45 P.M.

FRANK POV:

i wake up and there's blood everywhere.

what time is it? how logn have i been up? am i even home?

i look at my dick. that's the first thing i do every morning. just to check on my little friend

for some reason, i do not see my dick.

my dick is gone.

i do not think the concept of being a teenager eists. i think it is just something society made up to keep teenagers fromd oing gods work. the word teenager is never said in the bible. this is all a conspiracy. DO HARD THINGS (like my dick).

oh wait yeah i got distracted well my dick is gone.

i bet charlie did this...that sly mother fucker. i think he was mad at me or something, because he kept bu-

iooOOOWOWWW HOLLYyYy SHITT TT IT SALL OCMIGN BAcK TO ME. TGHE PAIn..THE MEMORIES,.TGHE MONKEY DICKS WEARING FO,,,,OH MY GOOD,,,,

Philadelphia, PA

9:45 A.M.

FRANK POV; FLASHBACK:

this monkey dick is wacky

i remember charlie. and me. crying. cumming. suddenly charlie says, "we have to cut them off" i try to say no, but it's like he's been...possessed by something sinister. his eyes roll back in his head and his face begins to spin on his neck like an owl's. or that one bitch from that demon movie.

suddenly, he puts his teeth around my dick and bites it off. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!" i ask, and he tells me to do the same to him. i say no. but then suddenly, i lose control over my body.

i can't believe i had my teeth around another man's dick. i hope that isn't considered gay.

Philadelphia, PA

1:45 P.M.

FRANK POV:

"Holy shit! I gotta get to the bar and check on charlie!" I say as I run out the door, naked.

"well shit, guess I better put on some clothes first."

- 20 minutes later -

I see the sign above the traffic in the distance, of my friend, my family, my child, Paddys Pub.

As I get closer, there reveals to be much more than the beloved brick building. There are firetrucks, police cares, ambulances, the full mile. 8 mile. haha.

I see a body bag.

I open the body bag.

It's some pre-k bitch with a knife and pigtails.

I think that's the waitress' little cousin, but I'm not 100% sure. Whatever, another question for another time. Charlie is the real priority. Also catching some hot ass action later, maybe.

I run into the bar, and see puddles of blood, some cum, and a little piss, but not human piss...it smells like...dog piss.

Philadelphia, PA

2:00 P.M.

WAITRESS POV:

"Frank! You look disgusting! But you're here." I yell.

"yo baby whats the word ;)" He pets me, and I spray him with mace. He yelps in pain but I don't give a shit.

"Charlie..somethings..happened." I say, as I look away dramatically-

*KILL BILL SIRENS*

Charlie walks in the room, pants off, blood gushing from his hips, dickless.

"I lost my dick bro"


	5. Chapter 5

Philadelphia, PA

2:00 P.M.

CHARLIE'S POV:

All of the chaos around me causes me to begin crying. I fall on the floor and I cannot stop. I feel like I am living that one scene of High School Musical. My powers are leaving me.

"QUICK," I SCREAM, "SOMEBODY GET THE TOXIC GLUE!"

I start to huff the glue, knocking me out.

Philadelphia, PA

time: uknown

Everything is blurry, everythings..so..bright.. I see my grandma, and my dog from when I was 6.

I see the waitress, shes calling to me. She grabs my hand, and brings me closer to the light.

It feels like happiness, the kind of happiness you feel after you huff paint thinner, and wash it down with cat litter. Yes, not cat food, cat litter. It's a little more intense. I'm professional at my inhalents, you see.

Everything goes white.

I see clouds, and little babys in diapers flying around with halos.

Is this heaven?

I am drawn to a small, white cottage, it just appears..like another dimension..

I smell pie, and paint thinner.

I see the waitress baking, along with our rats. Yes, we have a rat family. Not so into the whole baby thing anymore.

"Hello Charlie!" She says repeatedly.

"Hello Charlie!"

"Hello Charlie!"

"Hello Charlie!"

"Hello Charlie!"

"Hello Charlie!"

Her voice gets deeper as she speaks

"̴͍̳̟̹H͈͚̞͖̼͜e̱͔͖̗͔̥̕l̜̹̠̞͠lo̞ ̷͓̺̯̯̥̪C̴͉̞̰̱̖͍̯h͓̳̣̖͟a͚̙͡r͉̠͚l̹͎̟̗̠i̸e͈͚͇!̧͈̖̫̫͓͔̞"̻͕͙̭͎̫̬

"̴͍̳̟̹H͈͚̞͖̼͜e̱͔͖̗͔̥̕l̜̹̠̞͠lo̞ ̷͓̺̯̯̥̪C̴͉̞̰̱̖͍̯h͓̳̣̖͟a͚̙͡r͉̠͚l̹͎̟̗̠i̸e͈͚͇!̧͈̖̫̫͓͔̞"̻͕͙̭͎̫̬

"̴͍̳̟̹H͈͚̞͖̼͜e̱͔͖̗͔̥̕l̜̹̠̞͠lo̞ ̷͓̺̯̯̥̪C̴͉̞̰̱̖͍̯h͓̳̣̖͟a͚̙͡r͉̠͚l̹͎̟̗̠i̸e͈͚͇!̧͈̖̫̫͓͔̞"̻͕͙̭͎̫̬

"̴͍̳̟̹H͈͚̞͖̼͜e̱͔͖̗͔̥̕l̜̹̠̞͠lo̞ ̷͓̺̯̯̥̪C̴͉̞̰̱̖͍̯h͓̳̣̖͟a͚̙͡r͉̠͚l̹͎̟̗̠i̸e͈͚͇!̧͈̖̫̫͓͔̞"̻͕͙̭͎̫̬

L

Philadelphia, PA

On a Sunday

3:00 P.M.

Today, we mourn the death of Charlie Kelly.


End file.
